Sunday, June 19, 2011

Going Too Far

Which step has gone too far? Which tear shouldn't be shed? Are you even on the right path or should you stop and start on making your own new one? Why do I ask these questions to myself so late at night? It's simple. My heart tells me to trust and love while the ones I've known all my life are telling me to stop and turn back. The heartbrake that comes with every arguement is worse than losing them all together sometimes. I am worth so much but I don't know if I will ever get all the things I want. I need to fight but I have no clue what I should even be doing. It's so easy to tell others what to do but when it comes to yourself you become lost. Well, that wont be me anymore.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


So... I am going to go back to me being a cynic for the time being as I write this because I think it is time that someone say what we are all thinking. HOLIDAYS HAVE LOST THEIR MEANING AND ARE NOTHING BUT OPPORTUNITIES FOR SALES TO GO THROUGH THE ROOF!!! IT'S MARKETING NOW, NOTHING ELSE!!!!
Thanksgiving, its a time to celebrate all the good things we have and for people to come together peacefully and break bread. Now we have Black Friday and Thanksgiving Day SALES! It's ridiculous.
Christmas and Valentines Day!!!
My god people what are we coming to!!!! Christmas, it was never supposed to be about the tree or the presents. If you are christian we celebrate it to remember the birth of CHRIST! It the first half of the word CHRISTmas!!! Yes, i realize as well as remember how magical it was to wake up Christmas morning and see that Santa had eaten the cookies we left out and to find new, shiny, beautiful, presents. That's not all that it was about though. Santa is Saint Nicholas! The man who made toys for children who had nothing! Now a days its all about me, me, and ME. I love to give presents to my family and friends. You know what we should be doing though? Spending that money and putting it towards things for homeless or less fortunate! The best Christmas I ever had was when my parents and I left the house after opening our presents and going around to the homeless park handing out blankets, socks, hand warmers, scarfs, what ever we could. Even when I was younger I would donate toys and clothes to organizations that would donate them to kids who had nothing.
It's not just at Christmas time though, there are homeless and people that go without every single day.
Valentines Day is another one! It makes me sick to go into stores and see all the hearts and everything. Candy, stuffed animals, cards, heart covered... everything! It's ridiculous. Valentines Day is supposed to be in celebration of Saint Valentine (different spellings, mine is the modified version of where we came to have Valentines Day). He was a man who would marry people that were truly in love but weren't allowed to be married. He saw love and married them anyway. Now we don't even know that day was even to remember a man. If you have someone you HAVE to buy them something to show you care or if you do not have somebody it becomes Singles' Awareness Day. I'm sorry but if you are in love every day should be Valentine's Day. You should tell them you love them everyday. And all you singles out there, the people who do have someone aren't trying to rub it in your face. If they are tell them to screw it and realize that you are more likely to find the right person for you then just having a fling with some on a day where there are paper hearts all over a stupid room. People!!!! Celebrate love everyday! Not just for your significant other but love for your family, your friends, and fellow man as well! THAT'S WHAT TRUE LOVE IS ABOUT! PUT THEM FIRST!
Fourth of July is another one. Why do we celebrate this day again? Oh, that's right, because it America's INDEPENDENCE DAY!!! Where we proclaimed freedom for ourselves and this great nation! Why we still have soldiers fighting! Without the freedoms and rights that we have we would have NOTHING! We don't realize how good we have it. Every year when we start off those fireworks, we should realize that we are looking at those bursting colors that were once bombs going off that gave enough light to show our beautiful flag. That Star Spangled Banner, that represents the United States of America. Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, I still believe we have a great country with greatness bursting at the seems. We just need to come together, especially on that day and prove that we are America that still holds liberty and justice for all.

People don't give in to the marketing scams! Celebrate the true meaning of EVERY holiday! I challenge you, that on every single holiday that you celebrate you remember it's TRUE meaning and treat everyday like a holiday. Everyday is special, because every day is a gift.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Words of Encouragement

One word. One word is all it takes sometimes. We may want to give up or just put it off for later. With our lives being as busy as they are we push things aside. Sometimes the things we push aside are the things we love to do the most, the things that bring us back to who we truly are, and the people we want to be.
I am sad to say that I had given up on my writing for the time being because I had become caught up in other things such as work, my boyfriend, and friends, but most of all I had started to doubt myself. I had decided to put my writing aside but I found that the real reason I had stopped writing was because I had stopped believing in myself. I have always wanted to write in hopes of even touching one person and making them see; but I didn't think I was good enough to write and make a difference. I gave up on one of my biggest dreams, saying, "I'll finish it later. Oh I'll do it later". I was always making excuses so I wouldn't face failure.
It hit me square in the face today though. Someone had written an encouraging comment on my blog saying how I actually had made a difference. It put the biggest smile on my face to realize that someone was actually reading my words and liked them. I decided to get back into the game again realizing that not everyone will like what I have to say but some... some people will. That is who I am writing for anyway. I'm writing for the people who will listen and I hope that all of you reading this will take this to heart.
Stop putting people down and ENCOURAGE! All it takes is even one little encouraging word. So many people are afraid or think that they can't do it. This is why I challenge everyone to say at least three encouraging things everyday. You boost their confidence and help to make them believe in themselves. Not only that, but you also can create a happier and more up-beat environment. Even in a competition we all should be good sports. Congratulate the winner and tell the last that they did a good job and good on them for trying. It takes a lot to be a good loser but even more sometimes to be a good winner.
Always try to do the things you love. Even if you aren't the best, you will still shine because your love for what you do will show. If you see someone failing, don't laugh or mock them, lend a hand and kind words. Inspiration comes from encouragement and everyone needs a little of that.

So thank you very very much to the person who wrote that comment and I want everyone to remember my challenge today. Say at LEAST two encouraging things everyday. See what happens and you'll be surprised what the outcome is over time.

Friday, August 27, 2010

The Hurt

It doesn't matter what the gender or what the age. The questions are always the same. What did I do? What is their problem? Is it me? Why is this happening? What can I do?

It is one of the hardest things to admit or even go through but abuse is one of the greatest hurts. I hate to admit it, but I have been abused multiple times. My first boyfriend would start by just pinching me too hard the grabbing my arm harshly, to the point where he punched me. I had a bruises that I hid. I remember trying to leave him and my best friend was there. He struck me and I walked away for good.

My friend who had been there held me and later wrote a song that I listen to frequently. She sang of how she saw me being dragged down and changing because of the violence. She saw how broken I was.

I believed it was him and thought that I would never let a man or a boy for that matter hit me ever again. Then came another boyfriend, sweet and kind, nothing like the first guy... in the beginning. Later, we fought. There was always screaming and he would grab me. I would wear jackets to cushion the pain and thought I might be able to prevent bruises. The good days were so different however, he would always say he loved me, he bought me teddy bears and other stuffed animals, bought me jewelry. He was the first boy I thought I could care about, even my mother seemed to like him because he made me smile on those days. I made the mistake of thinking I would marry him as any naive Junior girl in high school thinks about her sweetheart. After one particularly violent screaming match and him making me flinch, I would walk away.

I started to wonder if it was some stroke of messed up luck that I would be involved in two abusive relationships.

I was wanting things to be different when I met yet another guy. Seemingly sweet, he bought me a necklace... after he had punched me in the face, sending my glasses flying. We had been play fighting with his boxing gloves when he turned and with quite a bit of power he would hit me. I excused it as play fighting. Looking back now I knew I should have at the very least said something, but we would always rough house a lot. With this relationship, he would be the one to leave me.

The last relationship I was involved in lasted a long time. I was proud. I had been with him for 15 months. The year was amazing, he was very smart, very sweet, very understanding. This young man made me happy. He listened and knew more about me than even my best friend. He was more than just a boyfriend, he was a friend, my jail mate, the person that could tell everything about me before I even said a word. He was my true first love. We would argue like all couples but we would work through it. He would be my greatest downfall though. In loving him, he would learn every secret, skeleton, remark about me. He would be there when I needed him. I loved him. One night in our thirteenth month we had been fighting late at night. Our voices had been raising and I snapped yelling what he wanted from me.
This would be the first time I would truly see him unhinge. He grabbed me shaking me like a rag doll. I froze, stiff and terrified. I wound up trembling and whimpering as he broke down saying how sorry he was calling himself a monster. After all those months of dedication and happiness I felt that it was my fault. I had provoked him like the others. I was truly my fault for pushing him to the edge. I made it a goal to be better, I would greet him, running into his arms showering him with hugs and kisses, bringing him whatever he wanted to drink, eat, did his laundry for him. I wanted to be as happy as I was before. After that night though, he would unleash, his eyes filled with anger, when he would yell and advance I grew accustomed to flinching and backing away just to shake, terrified that he would hit me or shake me again. I told myself that it was my fault. I had mad him angry and didn't do things right. I was asked not to tell my family that I was dating him, he did not want me leaving him to see my parents and I did not want to visit them in the state I was in, I lost contact with half my friends because I had him and i didn't need them. I was worried to talk to my friends that were male just because I felt as though I was cheating on him. The bad times got worse but the good times were still frequent.
I remember when I was so sick that I could barely walk, he carried me to bed and sat beside me. There was a point where I hadn't eaten for a day and a half. He was the one that made me food and spoon fed me because I refused to eat it. He sat there begging me to take "just one more bite, baby, just one more bite. Please". When I was healthy I remember the water fights we had, the smiles, the laughs we shared. These where the times I wanted to remember and think of rather than what bad things had happened.
I rarely ate in the end. I didn't want to get fat and I was to lazy to make myself something. When he wasn't there I would just lay around, be alone and walk the dog and when people were around I hid. Yet I would get online and look for anyone to talk to that didn't know me. I hunted for friends that could make me forget. When I did leave, I left because I couldn't be the person I had wanted and was lost. My mother was commenting all the time how skinny I was, and how I was so angry and I was very closed around her and my father. My ex would call saying how he loved me but then he became obsessive, angry, disturbed. I was scared to even be his friend. He wouldn't listen to my dad when he had told him to leave me alone, he would walk around my neighborhood. I became even more afraid to go out and became nervous, especially when I was around places I knew he went.

I was a strong girl, with strong opinions, who knew who she was, the one who researched multiple times on abuse and psychology, yet I became a victim. I was seen as the one who could take care of her problems and was always there for anyone when they needed me. I lost sight of who I was and never took time for me. I realize now that I was not the one at fault. Striking someone is not excusable. I am picking up the broken pieces that were once me and creating a new me. I am still scared, scarred, and sadly I still miss him sometimes but I know that I deserve better. I showed all the signs of abuse but was to afraid to speak up. We all have a voice. We need to use it! I wish that no person ever has to know abuse, but it does happen. We can't be scared. We need to stand up and take charge. It is the hardest thing to walk away and it is scary, but you can do it. I have had support of so many friends and family that love me, and I am eternally grateful to them.

Abuse can be stopped, we just need to have the voice. We don't want to admit it or think about it but we need to put a stop to it. It will just keep going on if we don't stop it. Think, do you want someone to be treated the way you are or were? Speak up! Don't hide in the dark forever. Reach for help. Yes it is hard and I know I didn't want to admit it and sometimes I still have trouble with it. I keep going though. I am not a very strong person, yet I did it. Be aware! If you even think that someone has a temper; get away! If you suspect that someone is being abused; call a help line!!!! There are so many things you can do.

All I ask is that we stand together and use our voice!!!!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Getting Up

How? How do we get rid of our dark feelings?
Sometimes we fall. We fall because we feel that the world has failed us and in return we have failed it. There are mornings when I wish I could forget it all and just pull the covers over my head yet again. We do not wish to eat, walk, or do anything. I do know how this goes, but recently several of my friends have told me they were depressed. I have tried to help in any way possible but I have run myself dry. When you are truly depressed, your life force drains, your appetite disappears, you just want to sit there (or in some situations lay there) and have your mind go blank. Some people who are truly depressed will go home and sleep for hours, not talking, not being, in a sense, human. When you are depressed most people can't handle the emotional, mental, or physical issues of life and if they can, it's usually not for very long.
I had a very good and rather close friend who I loved dearly. The moment she and I met, we clicked. We got along and understood each other. Well, she suffered from depression and I saw it every day. I know the way things seem to just hit you, because I suffered from it when I was younger. Well, she was very sick. Before it got to its climax, she and I would sit at lunch in a lonely hall and talk, laughing all the while and sharing stories of our classes. At the end, she became very reserved, even with me, she ran away multiple times, and when she laughed she tried to show she was fine, yet something told me otherwise. I knew that she had been trying to distract herself and be involved before completely losing the battle. She said very little to anyone, she was very angry, and then she stopped coming to classes all together. Her friend had died, sending her further into the dark, downwards spiral. I lost all contact with her for a month, found she was with family but lost contact again. The next thing I heard was weeks and prayers later. She, in desperation, had taken her own life after many attempts.
I was torn apart inside and I can only imagine how her family took it. I was unable to go to her funeral but for weeks after I sat there, alone, thinking dark thoughts to myself. I, myself, have gone through the struggles of depression. I should have hugged her more, I should have watched her more carefully, I should have stopped her from running away, I should have told her more just how much she was loved, especially by me.
It has been several months since that time and I still shed a tear every once in a while. At first I hated people for telling me that there was nothing more i could have done and that I was the best friend I could be. I did not believe them for a very long time. I knew the feelings. I should have been there to stop her. I have come to terms that I could not save her but I still try to save others, leaving myself for last until I collapse in exhaustion.
I know that there are many people that are depressed, that there are many people who can't forgive themselves, that wish they could sleep and never wake up. Well, I am here to tell you something.
Sleep. Rest and breath, but never give up. No one wants to hear people telling them to keep their chin up but I have realized you have to keep going. Even if all you can do is keep a little bit of your face above water; it's better than nothing at all. If you start to drown, lift your arm out and someone will grab it. You just have to try to keep breathing and let the tides do the rest. You'll sleep, you'll cry, you'll scream, and some may try to end their lives, but the last should never be an option. Never say that you are done for good. Take the day or the week. Take the month even; if it takes that long to gather your self and strength but never give up. If you keep pushing through the hell and the fire, it will get worse, but it will get far better. We fall and we get back up: that is the lesson we are taught as toddlers. Situations come yet so does the rest of your life!!!! Sleep, breath, and reflect on the good things life has. Everyone has at least one good thing in their life, even if it is just the fact that they like that they can breath.
Don't hide, let it out or you'll self-destruct. I am not saying to be happy all the time or even the majority of the time, but do not stay down forever. When down, let it all out then and then slowly but surely get up and dust yourself off.
Look at the sun the next time it rises and smile because you are strong. You are strong enough to make it through another day.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Pay It Forward

A funny thing happened to me today. After work I was tired, worn out, and ragged, just wanting to go home so that I could eat and sleep. Well, a co-worker and good friend of mine wanted me to go pet shopping with her but not before we stopped off to get some gas. Naturally we got gas and stood there waiting, when two young women came up to us with a tiny gas can, begging us for any extra change or the chance to fill up the can so as to get their car started. (These two girls had no wallets and only one had her drivers liscense on her) Well my friend was kind enough to fill up the gallon sized can as they asked if they could please get a second filling just in case. With the first can being enough to start the car they were about to fill the can a second time.
I don't know exactly why I did it, but, seeing those two girls who really needed help; I stepped up. They had said that they still had a two hour drive ahead of them, so I decided to make a difference. I told them I would pay and was charged about $40 to fill up completely. They asked me my name and told me how greatful they were. Kari and Michael, as I found out their names after, even asked if it was okay to give me a hug. I said of course and told them good luck and wished them a safe trip as they repeated over and over how thankful they were and how they wished that they could pay me back.
An idea struck me then, from the movie, Pay It Forward. I asked them if they were familiar with the movie and only Kari said yes so I explained. I remember stating, "There is one thing I would ask you to do if you don't mind... Next time you get the chance; do something to help someone else even if it's small just help." They smiled and after having them say that they would and saying goodbye once again, I felt that what they had said about me being such a great person to help them, was false.
You see I didn't do it to be a hero, I didn't do it to be a saint either. I did that small little thing because they needed help. I will admit that the greatest reward was seeing that I had helped and that I had made a difference, as well as just receiving hugs in gratitude. So, the next time you see someone in need, help them and ask them to pass a kindness on. I challange all to do this, especially since it's not always the easiest but, and the funny thing is, you feel better about yourself and want to do it more often.

Friday, January 1, 2010


Knowledge is power. Then why do people choose to be so ignorant?
There was a time television when people would sit in there in their parlors playing music, singing, dancing, and reading books. Books used to be a popular thing. That was the whole reason why they created libraries and book stores. While there are still huge book stores such as Borders and Barnes & Noble, not as many younger people go to them anymore. I know that there are plenty of amazing movies out there and there is just "that one show I have to watch" but you should try turning them off for a while. There are millions of amazing books out there.
Reading frees your mind and your creativity. When you watch a movie or a television show you have the images already created for you, but when you read you can see the character the author has painted with your own imagination. You can learn something from every book or at least discover something about yourself. Even if you're reading just for fun. Reading books does so much for you. It expands your mind and your imagination, you learn new things, you learn new and expand your vocabulary. Plus, take this into consideration, all jobs require some reading and writing skills; even if you're working at a place where you say, "would you like fries with that?".
You can find out so many things just through reading and there are so many different genres. If people say they do not like to read then they have not spent time looking for books. And if you do like to read I applaud you and encourage you to expand your horizon and try to read other types of books as well.
"I gots me an edjumecation" doesn't cut it.
Read, Write, LEARN something people!


To live life to the fullest is a goal that most don't achieve. People will struggle and work for it at the beginning but as more roadblocks occur they eventually let their dreams dwindle down to nothing. Sadly, I have let this happen to me as well and upon recognizing this it also dawned on me that some people are so determined to reach their dreams that they will throw others under the bus. Both scenarios disturb me to the point that I have stayed up late at night to think about just to end in total exhaustion. We all throw people under the bus at some time in our lives and if we haven't yet we will. This is merely an observation on human reaction and behavior that I have witnessed and experienced time and time again. We should all have dreams, by this I mean a goal that one could achieve with the proper devotion, but we should keep in mind the chances and actuality of those dreams happening. We need to consider others along our journey and be mindful of not hurting them.
When actors or actresses that we admire get up to the podium to give their speeches it irritates me to no end if the words, "and I would also like to think all the little people that helped me along the way." When they say that I feel that they deserve a nice, hard kick in the pants. If you feel that the people that helped you, even if it was just a boost, are little then I would like to tell you to look in the mirror, because by labeling others as small or little, you in turn become the smallest person of all. People think that to have an extraordinary dream they have to want to become rich or famous. But please listen, this is just not so. Any dream can be extraordinary as long as you want it. To become a nurse, a teacher, an anthropologist, a police officer, or a stay at home parent, is a dream worth achieving. There are no ridiculous dreams if you dream long enough and work hard enough to achieve it. People may tear you down along the way, but in no way do you stop. No! You get right back up, shake it off, and continue to fight and strive all the harder, making you not only happier for proving them wrong but also stronger in the sense that you had a million and more opportunities to stop, you could have taken advantage of people cruelly, you could have listened and stopped, but you didn't. You strive for a goal and did it honestly and with good sportsmanship. Those people are the ones that hardly ever get recognition. So the next time you see someone in a position where they are happy and have worked hard for it and were honest, congratulate them. Thank them for their hard work and dedication and give them the recognition they deserve.
I challenge anyone who reads this article to do an assignment that I was required to do in my writing class. Take out a piece of paper and a pen and write. Write down any goals that you have or have had and check them off once they are completed. Write down every single goal that has ever popped into your head no matter how childish or unrealistic it may be. Put the list somewhere where you will be able to see and take a look everyday. Work towards reaching all of your goals. Some will take more time than others and some can be completed within two minutes. Either way, try your hardest to check off all of the items on your list. If it has the same effect on you as it did me, you will be able to open your eyes and appreciate life and will work harder for everything.
To live life to its fullest is something most people do not achieve but those that do have stories to tell that deserve attention, they deserve admiration, they deserve respect.


I have a very interesting view on what we consider to be sanity. The word Sanity means to be sound in the mind, sound in judgement, being sane. In this sense I feel that very very few have any sanity.

Now in the sense of people in insane asylums I have very interesting opinions. Most of these people are insane just in the fact that they are not in the soundness of mind. This however does not make them bad people. On the contrary most are the kind, loving, most caring people you could ever meet. This does not mean all are like this sadly. No, there are some that are very mean and would try to hurt you that are said to be in sound mind making it show that they are more insane. Now you should exercise caution when around them with what you say because they can be more sensitive than most but you should not be afraid of them.
It is sad when people with mental disorders murder or do something else irrational because it paints a bad view on the rest of those people. Those people are not freaks though and people have no right to call them as such. They are people like you and me that just happen to have a chemical imbalance of some sort in their brains. Can they be dangerous? Everyone at any moment can snap and become dangerous. But, I in my personal experience, have found people with mental issues to be more loving then the average person. They know what it is like to be misunderstood and to be judged. To be questioned and secluded from some activities, jobs, or insurances just because of their "disability" because they are more likely to cause more damage.
I know one woman who has chronic depression and schizophrenia. She has been like a second mother to me. She welcomes you with open arms and is so understanding. The first time I ever met her she ran to the door and brought me into a tight hug. She automatically welcomed me into home as family. She struggles to lead a normal life but does an amazing job at working at the hospital and raising a family. Though I do not see her anymore I hope to see her again someday in the near future because she is the greatest woman. She would give you a place to stay or food to eat if you just but ask. She is not insane in any form. She is a great woman and is a second mother whom I love very much.
Just like most people you can not tell by looking at them that they have a mental disorder so why would you judge them before you even get to know them. People are far to ignorant to these people that are my friends and family. People should learn not to judge others and might want to look at all of their faults before letting even one word come out of their mouths about others. Love, understand, and be more caring. We are all equal.


Land of the free and home of the brave. People use to be proud to be Americans. Now we have become cowardice, selfish, lazy, mindless, little pansies. People who say that they hate America are no patriots to our country and if you hate it so much then you can leave! People say that this country is evil and power hungry. This is NOT true, it is not the country itself as the land but the people that we ourselves elected to be in charge of this country that are evil and power hungry. People say that the war needs to stop and that the bloodthirsty soldiers should be stopped. Well I have news for you people that think this way. You decided to vote for precious Obama. I respect him as the president but I do not agree with him in any way. He said he would pull our soldiers out yet he is sending out more soldiers.
Soldiers do what they do to protect this once great country. From the Revolution, the Civil War, World War I, World War II, Vietnam, the Gulf War, people have joined to fight to protect their homes, their families, their sense of doing what they can to preserve this country for the better. Every time they go out to the field to fight they put their own life at danger just so that we can have our freedom. They give us our lives, the chance just to sit on our couches and use our computers, our televisions, our cell phones, our I-pods or MP3s. These soldiers leave everything to go and fight against an enemy threatening to take away what we have created and what we have become.
The soldiers on the other side, in this case the terrorists are also doing their job. I do not feel that the taking of any life should be condoned. We are not God so how do we even pretend to think we have the right to decide who lives and dies. Some of the soldiers are not terrorists, and like our soldiers are just doing their job. Some have families that they are trying to protect; parents, sibling, spouses, children, their own faith and lives.
They do their job to protect their country and we are lucky to have so many that still have the belief that America is beautiful and is the place of life and opportunity. I challange you to get up the next time you see one of the people in any of the services and shake their hand. Thank them and tell them that you appreciate their sacrifice and their dedication. The ones you meet have been fortunate enough to live where as some of their friends, family, loved ones have not made it back and never will. Think about what you would see through their eyes and you will see.
Thank you to all the armed forces who made it possible for us to live in the land of the free and the home of the brave. God Bless America and its soldiers.